| reflection |
[Feb. 23rd, 2009|01:45 am] |
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the best part about having a journal like this is that you can always go back and reread the things that have been written down. while i was reading i noticed something... in 3 years, i have not changed at all. i am still scared, insecure, emotional, whiny, over-dramatic, needy, and selfish. wow. |
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| soo |
[Sep. 3rd, 2008|03:17 am] |
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i would like there to be people that unconditionally take my side without understanding the full situation. just blindly believe that i am wonderful, and everyone else is out to hurt me and make me unhappy... but strangely i am usually the first one being blamed, for whatever wrong doing has occurred. |
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| not sure what i expected |
[Sep. 1st, 2008|11:38 pm] |
"you're not family and we're not really friends"
it's true.
it's strange how i struggle constantly for acceptance of some sort, but never seem to get it. i wish i had a great tight knit family to fall back on... or friends that would drop everything for me. truth is i don't. i've never had it, and i probably never will.
there is probably only one person that truly loves and cares for me unconditionally, besides my mom and dad who are nearly incapable of showing it, and who knows how long that "forever" that i've been promised is really going to be.
life has a funny way of changing everything just when you need something to hold onto the most. |
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| i lost my retainer. |
[Aug. 21st, 2008|01:33 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
* 1. Post these rules.
* 2. Each tagged person must post 8 things about themselves on their journal.
* 3. At the end, you have to choose and tag 8 people
* 4. Go to their pages and send a message saying you tagged them.
* 5. No tag-backs.
1. I always insult myself first, that way no one but myself will get the pleasure of knocking me down.
2. I need help a lot, but i rarely ask for it. It's this weird little combination i call pride and stubbornness.
3. I am incapable of just simply being happy. I don't know if i will ever be able to just be happy. It seems like it will be a life long struggle.
4. I wish i could be done with this part of my life. I want to have a steady job that i don't hate, and a house of my own. This is simple, yet so far from obtainable.
5. I never noticed before, but i am most definitely a comfort eater.
6. I love animals. especially my cats. They love me unconditionally, and all they ask in return is a can of food and a clean box. Animals aren't capable of being cruel or hurtful like people.
7. I am convinced that my room is the dumping ground for a very large universal vortex. I find the strangest shit in here. If you've lost something, odds are good it's here.
8. I want nothing more than to be able to make others happy. One of the best feelings for me is seeing someone smile and knowing that it's because of something i've said or done.
tagging is a hassle. do it if you'd like. =] =] |
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| solo por ti |
[Jun. 12th, 2008|03:35 am] |
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i can't help but wonder if this is where i'm supposed to be. i wish i could know that the choices that i make are the best ones... or at least not the wrong ones... like still being awake right now... bet that's not the best choice. |
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| guess what's not gettting done now... homework! |
[Apr. 20th, 2008|10:24 pm] |
why bother being productive. laziness is results in much greater happiness, until of course you remember that you really do have deadlines and grades hanging in the balance.
i'll be fine though, i always am.
i can't wait to get done with this college show. a couple more years... i want to be working on my major and in my field soon. but until then, i guess i just get to enjoy... tolerate? the ride.
i have great friends and the best boyfriend. i just have to stay motivated and at least somewhat focused so i can be done and starting another fun part of existance.
life is good. (occasionally wonderful) =] |
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| AGH!! |
[Mar. 20th, 2008|12:31 pm] |
Too much to do today. I'm procrastinating. I really need to knock that off.
Also: my goal for this month (better late than never)- see the glass half full not half empty.
goal for next month: see that glass half full of sunny delight. =] that's as close to complete happiness as you can get. ha. |
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| i'm needy. suprise. |
[Mar. 15th, 2008|01:29 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  worthless | ] |
i have an intense need for belonging that is never filled. i never belong or fit in anywhere. people merely put up with me because i'm around.
i never have had a place. i had nothing special about me through elementary school or middle school. and in high school i never fit in to any little click. i always wanted to be either on of the artsy theater girls or the popular cheerleader type. i tried both.. and guess what?! failed.
i still don't fit in anywhere. i am always outshined by someone else. someone else is always better, prettier, or more important. it's very selfdefeating never having that self worth that should just come natually in some avenue of existance.
i am so nice to so many people that just don't need or particularly want me around because i am so desperate for that acceptance. there is such a thing as too nice. you should always be kind, but when you knowingly go out of your way for others that wouldn't think twice about kicking you to the crub on a moments notice, perhaps you have a problem.
i just want to feel like i'm not such an easy trade in. my entire self worth lies in other peoples perception of my worth... which is probably a reflection of the former...
basically. this is going to be an endless cycle that i will deal with throughout the remainder of my life. god willing it be short. people like me ultimately will die lonely and alone.
cheers. ciao. and all that bullshit.
you won't remember this by noon tomorrow. |
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| exhaustion |
[Feb. 6th, 2008|02:23 am] |
i have hit the point at which it is impossible to wake up in the morning at the first sound of my alarm. i am the official snooze-a-saurous-rex. i have mastered pressing the snooze button at the precise moment that it goes off in 5 minute intervals. the fact that i also tend to sleep in 5 minute intervals is probably a reflection of my snooze-ability.
classes are going well. i however have found myself in a "to much black eyeliner mood". after i finally roll out of bed after hitting the snooze button with perfection for 45 mintes i smear my eyes with as much liner as humanly possible until i have sucessfully taken on the appearance of a racoon.
i drive half asleep to campus... where i have to then run to my first class, because patty bonesteel will lock the door and not admit those of us that are cronic snoozers. of course this is after she has consuamed at least a gallon of infant blood.
steve of course loves me very much, but not right now. he wants me to go home because he is sleepy and has class in the morning and i'm being an irritant by being stubborn and refusing to leave.
that is all.
love.
(he also just called me a dork)
(he said nice tags)
(but hes the one that wrote them out)
(i'm going to remove them)
...i had a monster in my hair. it was red. about the size of a q-tip head. it had sharp fangs.... (((sadly it could only communicate in the form of simple and short sentances)))
i smell pretty... [i think steve was just being creepy though]
he just unstrapped my bra... uncalled for.
...i'm going home now...
good night. |
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| re-Enchanted |
[Dec. 12th, 2007|12:46 am] |
Enchanted. it was so cute. it left me with a smile on my face for the rest of the night. it was just the upper i needed to get through the rest of the week.
life is never so bad that a romatic fairy tale comedy with singing woodland creatures can't make it a little less painful. :] |
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| deep breath time. |
[Dec. 10th, 2007|03:23 pm] |
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i am very disenchanted with certain aspects of life. |
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| jealous. |
[Dec. 6th, 2007|03:13 pm] |
i'm a terrible person. i am incapable of being happy and am disgustingly jealous of those that are.
shoot me. |
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| random/update/who_really_cares.com |
[Nov. 21st, 2007|04:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
mat 1050 10:40-11:30 M-F
mat lab 1:35-3:25 T&TH
com 3210 5:40-7:50 T&TH
csc 3720 6:00-8:50 M
Three ungodly long days again. Why? Because i am such a little procrastinator. :[
I need this semester to be over. I get the point I've murdered my gpa. I'll do better next time. Now, let's just give it a rest. I suppose there are only a couple more weeks to go. I just need to hang in there.
homework today. lots of it. cleaning today as well.
i'm looking forward to thanksgiving at steves. then a new wonderful crash diet following that. i'm going to try and avoid making the new years resolution this year by just dropping 15 lbs before it gets here. good luck. haha.
bah. i'm ready for a nap. maybe a shower. |
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| If life gives you lemons, make lemonade... |
[Oct. 28th, 2007|03:21 pm] |
...then find someone who was given vodka and have a party.
i wish i was still ignorant enough to believe that drinking myself into oblivion would make my problems go away. but now i know that they will never really go away. you just keep on coming right back to them when you sober up.
so here's to a miserable class load this sememester and here's to sobriety. fantastic. |
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| i'd rather not deal with it. |
[Oct. 23rd, 2007|09:43 pm] |
some problems such as school i can't hide from though. they're still going to be there and kick my ass royally every time.
2 more months and it will be better. |
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| here goes the real thing |
[Sep. 10th, 2007|09:43 pm] |
i was waiting for it to kick in, and it's pretty much here. my school and work schedule are exactly opposite of steves. so i may or may not get to see him for the rest of the week. and who knows after that, when the work load really kicks in.
i'm not terribly independent. quite the contrary. i'm needy and spoiled and i miss my boy already. :[ here's to hoping for the best though. |
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| i've started my semester of boredum doodles. |
[Sep. 10th, 2007|02:19 pm] |
my classes are the epitome of boring. i'm not pleased with them at all. i'm trying to get into a schedule... a nice steady one, so i don't get distracted.
i may be transfering to 458, if i can get better shifts. i need to go talk to josh about it. it would be a nice change. especially if i get the 6-2 shifts. we'll see.
time for math now... my overcomplicated remedial math class. boo hiss... after that i have italian... which might not be so bad. then i get to go home! yay! and hopefully see my cutie boyfriend. :] |
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| lousy week. |
[Jun. 24th, 2007|01:41 am] |
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this week started bad... and ended bad. the only good time that occurred was time i got to spend with steve. who, incase you didn't know, is my super amazing boyfriend/ future husband. i've never had someone so unconditionally loving and there for me. love. love. love. lei `e il mio mondo. |
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| on love, in sadness. |
[Jun. 16th, 2007|10:39 pm] |
wayne state put holds on my account.
they want more money.
grandpa passed away this morning.
nothing i do is good enough.
it never is. |
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| ti amo, il mio caro. |
[Jun. 14th, 2007|04:17 am] |
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference. |
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